Says Me

I know I'm not writing much. I'm not keeping up with my Oktoberfest forum very well either. Can it be I've finally run out of things to say?

Oh, stop your laughing.

I have been posting some over on Facebook.

Yes, Kat, I'm going to make you join one more thing. And no, you don't have to let anybody but me be your friend! ;-) Hell, make up a name. Surely there's one of those stripper name quizzes around somewhere!  If you do come, I promise to write more in the "What I'm thinking" box.

I go through these spells of not posting. Although this has gone on longer than usual. And I can't say that I'm stopping blogging, cause the minute I do I always have tons of stuff to say.

So yeah, if you're not my Facebook friend yet, please friend me. Say you know me through Vox. I swear on the Bible, I will not start Twittering too. And if you still wanna track me here, I sure hope you're using a Google Reader or something so you don't have to come here when nothing's new.

Dear man walking down the street,

Do not approach me and ask for money as I am getting in my car. I will never be polite to you. I will throw up my guard. I will definitely not give you money. Matter-of-fact, do not ever approach a woman getting into her car. No matter how non-threatening you think you look, you will always be a man approaching a woman getting into her car. Do you not watch the news? Read the paper? A strange man coming up to a woman near her car often does not end well for the woman. It doesn't matter how polite you are. You will always be a potential threat.

Pass me on the street, near other people, nowhere near my car, and if I have a buck or some change, I'll probably give it to you. Put me in an uncomfortable situation and it'll never happen.

Sincerely,

Woman getting into her car

So, have I mentioned lately that I am going to Africa? Because I am. In 64 days, to be exact.

Anyway. I am feeling better. I tried upping the Wellbutrin when I remembered why I stopped the first time. My tinnitus gets really loud. Like wake me up loud. I didn't realize until I did some poking around that not everyone has tinnitus. I honestly thought everyone has some level of it. Ringing in the ears. I also learned it can be some really weird noises, so I'm glad mine is just ringing.

I have it all the time. For as long as I remember. Every day life just drowns it out and I don't normally notice it unless the room is quiet (like at night, in bed). But with the Wellbutrin, I could hear it while I was watching TV. And the volume I needed to drown it out was annoyingly loud. So I backed off.

We're having a step contest at work, so I've been walking a lot each day. I imagine even that little bit of exercise is helping. And I've come to acknowledge that some issues with a friendship contributed to the episode. But I decided if my friend needs space, I can give that to her. I just hope she comes back around some day.

About two years ago, I had a friend I hasn't seen in a while move to Austin. She'd been out-of-state for several years, so we made plans a couple times to get together, but I canceled. I didn't know how to explain what I felt, so when I tried it made things bad and we're not friends anymore.

Things are back on an upswing. I know that if this continues to happen, the low-lows, that I need to talk with my doctor about it. I've been well enough for long enough periods of time to know that I don't need to feel that way.

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This study is also looking for women who have not had breast cancer.

I cannot pee and pet the cat at the same time.

*Title courtesy O magazine.

I've been struggling with my depression for a while now. I think I may need to see my therapist again. I'm going to wait a week or so more to see how I'm doing. In the meantime, I'm going to up one of my meds (don't worry, it's a level I tried before with doctor supervision, but the tinnitus drove me nuts) to see if that helps. I'll get a white noise machine if I need to this time.

Last Wednesday, as Gigi and I came back to the house after our evening walk, we met a guy walking toward us on the other side of the street. He asked me if she was my dog (um, on a leash dude) and called her to come to him. We were right at the house, so I didn't really think of him as anything more than a guy I passed walking and went inside.

But then he walked back and forth in front of my house a couple times and stood on the corner (I'm second house from corner). After about 15 minutes of walking and standing, I called the non-emergency police line and within minutes they had a squad car driving down the street. Another minute or two and there was another on the side street. I didn't see if they chatted with him, or what, but that night I was really freaked out. I couldn't get past the way he asked about Gigi and called her to cross the street to him (she didn't, thank God, she'll usually go to anyone).

I don't freak out easily. The night of the robbery I slept here with the broken window. But that night I felt afraid. I couldn't sleep until I finally decided I would stay home the next day. I felt so much anxiety about leaving her alone. I know that I overreacted. But even Friday morning I asked if I could leave her with mom on my way to work.

I visited the local police substation, but unless they arrested him there will be no report. If I'd left my name and number, the responding officer would've called me back. They didn't ask for my info when I called and I didn't really think about it.

Anyway, just an example of setting my anxiety haywire (yes, I know there is a necessary level of just being on my guard to the story). People not talking to me. The tone in someone's voice. I know that overall I'm not responding to things like my normal self. My normal, medicated self, anyway.

Yesterday an aunt and uncle surprised us for a quick visit. This is the first time they've been here since my Godmother died. We used to do dinner with them at the same restaurant -- tradition, you know?

As we were talking about where we would go to dinner, that restaurant came up. It made me choke up. We haven't been there since the last time they were here. We went with Gina and my Godfather. She and I split a beer and I got her drunk. Only fair, she gave me my first sip of beer!

In a move out of character for my mom, she told them the true story. That I've to spoken to him in two years. She didn't try to gloss it over and make it pretty. She told them that if they saw where he left her they wouldn't want to see him either, so they agreed to lunch with him today -- without me.

I felt such a sense of relief. And it make me feel like my mom really understands how I feel about it. I still miss Gina so much.