12 posts from March 2009

I've been struggling with my depression for a while now. I think I may need to see my therapist again. I'm going to wait a week or so more to see how I'm doing. In the meantime, I'm going to up one of my meds (don't worry, it's a level I tried before with doctor supervision, but the tinnitus drove me nuts) to see if that helps. I'll get a white noise machine if I need to this time.

Last Wednesday, as Gigi and I came back to the house after our evening walk, we met a guy walking toward us on the other side of the street. He asked me if she was my dog (um, on a leash dude) and called her to come to him. We were right at the house, so I didn't really think of him as anything more than a guy I passed walking and went inside.

But then he walked back and forth in front of my house a couple times and stood on the corner (I'm second house from corner). After about 15 minutes of walking and standing, I called the non-emergency police line and within minutes they had a squad car driving down the street. Another minute or two and there was another on the side street. I didn't see if they chatted with him, or what, but that night I was really freaked out. I couldn't get past the way he asked about Gigi and called her to cross the street to him (she didn't, thank God, she'll usually go to anyone).

I don't freak out easily. The night of the robbery I slept here with the broken window. But that night I felt afraid. I couldn't sleep until I finally decided I would stay home the next day. I felt so much anxiety about leaving her alone. I know that I overreacted. But even Friday morning I asked if I could leave her with mom on my way to work.

I visited the local police substation, but unless they arrested him there will be no report. If I'd left my name and number, the responding officer would've called me back. They didn't ask for my info when I called and I didn't really think about it.

Anyway, just an example of setting my anxiety haywire (yes, I know there is a necessary level of just being on my guard to the story). People not talking to me. The tone in someone's voice. I know that overall I'm not responding to things like my normal self. My normal, medicated self, anyway.

Yesterday an aunt and uncle surprised us for a quick visit. This is the first time they've been here since my Godmother died. We used to do dinner with them at the same restaurant -- tradition, you know?

As we were talking about where we would go to dinner, that restaurant came up. It made me choke up. We haven't been there since the last time they were here. We went with Gina and my Godfather. She and I split a beer and I got her drunk. Only fair, she gave me my first sip of beer!

In a move out of character for my mom, she told them the true story. That I've to spoken to him in two years. She didn't try to gloss it over and make it pretty. She told them that if they saw where he left her they wouldn't want to see him either, so they agreed to lunch with him today -- without me.

I felt such a sense of relief. And it make me feel like my mom really understands how I feel about it. I still miss Gina so much.

Official Earth Hour 2009 video. Earth Hour is on March 28th, 2009 at 8:30pm. More at http://www.earthhour.org

Support Earth Hour by making your own video and adding it to our Earth Hour Global group here:
http://www.youtube.com/group/earthhourglobal

Earth Hour images can be downloaded and shared from our flickr photostream, including Shepard Fairey Vote Earth artwork: http://www.flickr.com/photos/earthhour_global/

If money didn't matter, what job would you most like to have?
Submitted by Rainbird.

I'd like to work in a bookstore.

I continue to be so grateful that I started working on my debt/credit when I did. This week I've received a fab pay-off. I'm refinancing my house. The loan officer locked in 4.5% for me today. The new payment for my 15-year note is less than my current 30-year note.

The people at AIG who are most responsible the severity of the financial crisis should be in jail. But instead, they're slated to get $450 million in bonuses. Unbelievable, right?

I signed a petition urging Secretary Geithner and Congress to do whatever it takes to cancel these bonuses. Can you join me at the link below?

http://pol.moveon.org/aigbonus/?r_by=15740-15076301-TlvsdDx&rc=confemail

This weekend I was supposed to meet-up with some girlfriends in Birmingham. I didn't go because I couldn't afford the trip. Now I desperately wish I had. Then I wouldn't have been here yesterday. I wouldn't have gone to the funeral. I could've lived the rest of my life not knowing.

I know you are probably thinking, "Geez, this is someone you haven't seen in years. You don't keep in touch with his daughter. All right already."

I grew up with very few men in my life. He was one of them. He was a good man in my life when I needed a father figure. He was always kind and loving and safe. He is one of the many people along my life path who helped make me who I am today.

I thought I would feel better today. That a good night's sleep would reset everything. But I keep hearing the minister say in a deep, booming voice, So take a good look at my face (dramatic pause), you'll see my smile looks out of place (another dramatic pause), if you look closer it's easy to trace, the tracks of my tears. At that moment, it felt like a kick in the gut. The confirmation of my disbelief. You'll see my smile looks out of place. I remember lots of giggles in his house. It makes me sad that this man who brought so much happiness to others had no joy in his own heart. Five children. Four grandchildren. 30+ years of students who adored him. And so much despair.

It was a different kind of funeral. A closed casket. I thought it odd that he died nine days ago. Then I noticed who wasn't there. His wife. Three of his five children. As the service went on, as his friends eulogized him, I kept thinking, Nooo... And then the minister spoke these lyrics:

So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears.

That's when I knew for sure. This man that I adored. He had killed himself.