6 posts tagged “alzheimer's”
The book was written from Alice's perspective. She starts out like we all do. Misplacing our keys. A temporary moment of, "Now, where am I?" Her slide is pretty quick over the course of the book. Along the way she sees how her husband handles the situation. Or doesn't. How her children, who may or may not have the gene, take care of her.
It's lovely. The writing style. The story itself scares the shit out of me. I wonder about how I will die. I wonder if the time will come when I no longer know who I am. Or who you are.
I joke that I'm nice to my Godson and his sister so they will come visit me in the old folk's home. But the reality is, who will take care of me if or when I can no longer speak for myself?
I'll be the first to admit I have control issues. As in, I must be in control, issues. What will happen when I don't? Will I be like the character and just move sunnily along, first fighting the disease and then forgetting all about it?
Who do I give that responsibility to? When it's not really fair to expect someone to take it on at all?
This past week I've been feeling a real sense of loss-of-control. I mean, my eating. One of the things I can control. And I wasn't. I've been thinking, thinking, thinking. Trying to figure out what set me off. Then, today, it hit me. This book. My sense of not being able to control something. Behaving so that maybe someone will take over for me.
And now I am calm. Back to feeling like everything is going to be ok. Tonight I made brown rice and veggies. It tastes wonderful. Much better than the baked lays and onion dip that left a nasty taste in my mouth last night. And the night before.
I feel a sense of relief. Thank God for that.
Mom has a second appointment with the surgeon tomorrow. I am hoping he takes the second drain out. See, that's been my job since she got out of the hospital. Measuring and recording her discharge, emptying the drain and disposing of it. It's been an interesting process for me. Certainly the dilution of the fluid has been appreciated, those first few days was, well, like concentrated. To me, the level of drainage hasn't changed much, so I'm still not sure tomorrow will be our day. But I'm hoping.
Her appointment with the oncologist is Thursday afternoon. I'll be glad to hear what he thinks/recommends. I told her from that point she needs to take all the time she wants to decide what she wants to do.
Neighbor update: Her daughter is coming tomorrow and taking her to an assisted living facility in the Houston area on Wednesday. I'm sad to have it happen because I know how difficult this has been for Jill, but I am glad to have some of the responsibility lifted off my shoulders.
I went to see Gina on Thursday. It was not as pleasant visit as the last. She didn't speak at all. She seemed to have more uncontrollable jerky movements in her arms. Once after she briefly closed her eyes, she gave me a wide smile when she opened them again. Like for a split second she was surprised to see me.
I put lotion on her face and lightly massaged it. The touch seems pleasurable to her.
I told her that whenever she was ready, she should go. That we would miss her terribly, but we would be ok. That I loved her. We all love her. That we don't want to suffer.
I just really want this to be over for her.
I had vacation today, so I made an appointment at our local Aveda Institute ($14 haircuts!) for a haircut, foils and a brow wax. The real highlight came from visiting Gina. She was awake and said "Hi baby" when she saw me. I also got an "I hate it" and "I don't know" as part of our conversation. I couldn't stay long because hospice was there for her bath, but it was enough for me.
My Godfather was there at the same time I was this morning. He was in talking with the Vista volunteers.
Seems my Godmother broke her hip when she fell. They are not going to do surgery because of her situation and will just work to keep her comfortable until she dies. When Vista gets involved, that means the person usually has six months or less left to live.
Oh, and if my Godfather were a "money-hungry" man (his words, not ours) he would sue them because she fell when they were giving her a shower. Well if he had gotten her the fuck out of there when we asked . . .
I've been listening to Silent House a lot lately. Thinking about my Godmother.
Silent House
It's true I'm missing you
As I stand alone in your room
Everyday that will pass you by
Every name that you won't recall
Everything that you made by hand
Everything that you know by heart
And I will try to connect
All the pieces you left
I will carry it on
And let you forget
And I'll remember the years
When your mind was clear
How the laughter and life
Filled up this silent house
My Godfather had a garage sale last weekend and mom helped him. It was mostly Christmas stuff and her clothing/jewelry. I didn't go and he tells her now that I don't like him anymore. I told her that I'd been thinking that I needed to soften my heart towards him and she told me that was the right thing to do because I was just hurting myself.
Oh, I don't know about that. Cause I thought about it some more and I remembered I haven't liked him for a long time.
"Well, that's true. If it wasn't for her, we would've dumped him a long time ago."
So I put her on my "to do" list for the week. Right after getting my car washed and the oil changed. Nice.
I think about her every day and miss her every day. So today I gussied up a bit. Did my hair, put on some make-up and a pretty top. I told myself I needed to go early in the day before I lost track of time and put off going.
It was the first time that I've sat with her and cried so much that a nurse came to talk to me. I literally sat there and sobbed. I usually keep it together till the car.
She fell on Monday. Her head is black and blue. Her arms are black and blue. One is bandaged up from where she bled. She's on Vicodin, so she was sound asleep. They are moving her downstairs to the nursing home because they think it will be a while before she "walks again."
I sat and stroked her face, her arms. I told her what we are doing for Thanksgiving. That my Godfather had given me some of her jewelry. That I loved her and missed her. That I was so thankful she'd been a part of my life. That she helped make me who I am today.
I know that she was asleep, but I believed that she heard me. And I know that even without me saying these things now, she knew how muched I loved her, adored her, was grateful for her. That I know for sure.
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