4 posts tagged “fear”

I've been struggling with my depression for a while now. I think I may need to see my therapist again. I'm going to wait a week or so more to see how I'm doing. In the meantime, I'm going to up one of my meds (don't worry, it's a level I tried before with doctor supervision, but the tinnitus drove me nuts) to see if that helps. I'll get a white noise machine if I need to this time.

Last Wednesday, as Gigi and I came back to the house after our evening walk, we met a guy walking toward us on the other side of the street. He asked me if she was my dog (um, on a leash dude) and called her to come to him. We were right at the house, so I didn't really think of him as anything more than a guy I passed walking and went inside.

But then he walked back and forth in front of my house a couple times and stood on the corner (I'm second house from corner). After about 15 minutes of walking and standing, I called the non-emergency police line and within minutes they had a squad car driving down the street. Another minute or two and there was another on the side street. I didn't see if they chatted with him, or what, but that night I was really freaked out. I couldn't get past the way he asked about Gigi and called her to cross the street to him (she didn't, thank God, she'll usually go to anyone).

I don't freak out easily. The night of the robbery I slept here with the broken window. But that night I felt afraid. I couldn't sleep until I finally decided I would stay home the next day. I felt so much anxiety about leaving her alone. I know that I overreacted. But even Friday morning I asked if I could leave her with mom on my way to work.

I visited the local police substation, but unless they arrested him there will be no report. If I'd left my name and number, the responding officer would've called me back. They didn't ask for my info when I called and I didn't really think about it.

Anyway, just an example of setting my anxiety haywire (yes, I know there is a necessary level of just being on my guard to the story). People not talking to me. The tone in someone's voice. I know that overall I'm not responding to things like my normal self. My normal, medicated self, anyway.

I thought I would feel better today. That a good night's sleep would reset everything. But I keep hearing the minister say in a deep, booming voice, So take a good look at my face (dramatic pause), you'll see my smile looks out of place (another dramatic pause), if you look closer it's easy to trace, the tracks of my tears. At that moment, it felt like a kick in the gut. The confirmation of my disbelief. You'll see my smile looks out of place. I remember lots of giggles in his house. It makes me sad that this man who brought so much happiness to others had no joy in his own heart. Five children. Four grandchildren. 30+ years of students who adored him. And so much despair.

There’s been no big change in mom. In fact, her mobility is becoming scarily limited.

She’s still working, but I went to the store for her again yesterday. She’s trying to keep her spirits up, but I know this is killing her a little at a time. If she were to lose her mobility . . .

I’m a worrier by nature. Trust me, if I could find the switch I’d flip it off in a second.

I worry about the now. I worry about the future. I worry that I worry too much.

All I kept thinking was, I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

But, I guess you never are. Never ready for "that" time to come.

I'll never be ready, but when the times comes I will be ok. Cause if I'm not she'll come back down and kick my ass.