10 posts tagged “sad”

I'm at the library right now, and let me tell you -- I blend. Thankfully all the homeless guys were kind enough to let me be in the first 10.

I am really torn between buying now and reimbursing myself when the insurance check comes. Problem is I still need to file the claim. I think I finally have all the documents I need and hope to get to it this week.

I am still just hating the whole situation. The alarm. Having to file. Watching my still-jumpy-nearly-three-weeks-later cat.

I noticed Thursday night that my main suitcase is gone. You know, the nice one you have that is just the right size? That one. I kept telling people that "they" broke into my house. I figured there was no way one person could carry the monitor, the box, the printer, the modem and all the cables by themselves. Now, I guess it could've been one person. Mother fucker.

Drowning

To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that are coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts and therefore must proceed more cautiously and slowly.

Yep, that sounds about like me these days. Trying to live in the land of denial.

Cory is just a ball of nerves. Very skittish, jumping at any noise. Last night a pretty big storm blew in and she started crying. She got up on the bed and I talked to her some and that seemed to calm her down. Poor baby. I feel sorry for her.

So yesterday I decided that in addition to being robbed, they also took my sense of safety with them.

There's never been any place that I have not felt "safe." In every home I've felt safe -- to the point of my detriment sometimes. Just always feeling that I would be ok there. That nothing would happen there.

In the dreams I've been having, I'm dying. The one I remember from this morning, I was drowning. I know now that's because a little piece of me has died. That part of me that felt safe anywhere. Anytime.

This thing has literally knocked me off balance. I've been having a hard time with my vertigo. It's something I've struggled with since I was a child, but has gotten better as I've gotten older.

Well, except for the falling part. I fall more than anyone I know. And this morning was no different.

I didn't lift my foot high enough and hit the edge of my back deck this morning. I hate that moment when I realize I am going down.

I landed pretty hard on my left knee. For some reason it always seems to get the brunt of my falls. It's been a couple years since my last really good fall at Uncle Bud's house. It is swollen and the skin is scraped off, but I'll survive.

I'm at the library right now because I was having writing withdrawal. Yet at the same time I am afraid to buy a new computer because they might come back to get it. I hate to think I'll need an alarm system before I can feel safe in my own home again.

Everyone keeps asking how I'm sleeping. OK, I tell them.

And you know, all things considered, I am sleeping pretty well. I'm also having very weird dreams that wake me. And the animals jump at any noise. Then there's generally growling and barking.

I've not been shushing her, because now I want her to bark. Loudly and mean sounding. At least as much as she can as a five pound poodle.

Last night their attention to noise sucked me in. While I live in the "inner city," we have a lot of critters running around. Racoons, possums, skunks and the like. And they like my yard because of the pecan trees. So they walk around making crunching noises with their feet.

I know it is not a human. I can tell by the volume of the crunch. But I still hear it.

I know they're not coming back. They know there's nothing left they can easily take. Well, except for the DVD player and other small kitchen appliances. I'm sure they were on foot or the TVs would've been taken too.

I found an empty jewelry box last night and remembered it held two pairs of my Godmother's earrings. It sucks to know they probably only got pennies on the dollar, but those items precious to me are gone forever.

So this morning I remembered another ring that is missing. My best friend gave it to me when I graduated from college. I was planning on giving it to her daughter when she graduated high school. *sucks*

And now, what to do about a new PC? Buy now? Wait? Piece meal something together? Splurge on an Apple?

The dog is doing ok, but the cat still seems a little freaked out.

I'm not really sure where I am at in the process. Still feeling a little spacy and distracted.

I really do have a lot of things I think to write about. And then I sit in front of my computer and start playing games. Because being mindless is way easier than putting together thoughts and complete sentences. Not that I am always good at that complete sentence part.

I have been down this week. It's the stupid family stuff. I have not exercised. I nap when I come home. Play Alchemy or Bejeweled 2 until it's time to go to bed. I haven't even been watching my shows this week.

I guess part of me thinks I am good at separating the heart stuff from my brain. Guess not. Did that even make sense? Guess not.

I made the mistake of falling in love with that baby. I heard myself say in my head, You know, it's really not too late. Course my immediate response was Yes, it is. (What? Like you don't talk to yourself that way?) It's really about that baby and the lost chances with my own niece and nephew.

I don't see my niece changing her heart towards mom and I. It's not that she's not cordial (although not chatty), but there is no warmth there at all. We could be complete stangers bearing gifts. I totally feel her wall, and trust me, I can throw up a wall with the best of them.

So I think it's that sense of loss that hurts the most. I know that with time and absence I'll get back to the place where I don't think about it daily. Dammit, I'm tearing up.

Maybe it's the loss of family. Because once mom is gone I am alone. Alone.

Yes, I have friends that are like family. Hell, better than my own family.

I don't know. Maybe I just need to call my therapist.

**Grey's Anatomy Spoiler Alert**

I debated watching GA tonight. Just because it's often emotional and I am having a weepy day. But I watched. One of the subplots? Izzy's 11-year-old daughter (that she gave up for adoption) is in the hospital in need of a stem cell transplant. Izzy is tested and is a match for her daughter. They show the process from the numbing shot (like an epidural) to the drilling into her hip for the stem cells.

**End Spoiler Alert**

I am on the National Marrow Donor Registry because of my brother. I've often wondered what I would do if I was ever called. Would I say yes? Would I ever find out what happened?

I wonder if my brother's donor knows. That he died cancer free. That his transplant worked. That in the end it was everything else that sapped the life out of him.

I don't think I could say no. Not while knowing that I could give someone the gift of life. But honestly? I hope that call never comes.

One of my favorite bloggers has decided to 404.

A creep has silenced a voice that's made me laugh on more than one occasion. Think, Amen, sister. Made me wish she was a friend.

It makes me terribly sad that someone can take it upon themselves to stalk you. Haunt you at your place of work. To "out" you when you strive so hard for anonymity. To make you feel violated.

Fucker. I hope you're happy. Cause right now there are a couple hundred (thousand?) people who would like to stalk you right into oblivion.

I think I have some serious PMS tonight. I just could not do all the moves in yoga/pilates tonight. I had to stop and rest a while. That sucked.

Then I got all teary talking about my Godmother with my mom. Seems my Godfather is preparing to have a garage sale and is gathering her things. He even wants to sell her paintings, which he should really give to their sons and me. Yes, me.

I may be lousy with what's going on right now, but I put in 38 good years with her. I am the daughter they never had. I am her family. I know that's what she would want.

I feel awful that I don't go see her. But I just can't. It's so terrible. She's gone already. I want to remember her remembering me. She has to be spoon fed now. I could do that, just not in this awful place she lives now.

The doctor put him on anti-depressants. I hope he comes out of that fog and sees where she really is.

I wish that God would take her. When she fell that's what I wished for. So that she would be in a better place. Not trapped in that body. And maybe that's just to make things easier on us, but I just miss her so. It's hard to remember that she's still here. Alone in that place. I just want things to be better for her.